A POX ON ALL THE CELEBS AND POLITICIANS GONE WILD
By ANDREA PEYSER
(reprinted from The New York Post January 25, 2009)
Celebutards. They eat, sleep and breed just like ordinary humans. But at some point between the moment a movie script wanders into the hands of a world-class celebutard such as George Clooney, and the words travel through lilting vocal chords and land on unsuspecting ears, something terrible occurs.
A dull thinker such as Madonna becomes a self-appointed sage. Sean Penn boldly breaks bread with tyrants and enemies of his country, and vapid pop singer Sheryl Crow calls for rationing toilet paper to one sheet per sitting.
Celebutards have long been my obsession, as well as my curse. I can't fathom why intelligent people can't be bothered to vote, yet they well know the political ravings of a Michael Moore, and trust the World Trade Center conspiracy theories of a Rosie O'Donnell. With time and attention, these wackos only gain power and credibility. In an age when fabulousness is too often mistaken for gravitas, we must be vigilant. We must know the difference between philosophers and blowhards, between Soren Kierkegaard and Susan Sarandon. We must know our celebutards.
Here are five of my favorites. Chose your own!
They go together. Like Hollywood and glamour. Tattoos and body piercings. Like celebutards and their mission to save the planet. They are Angelina Jolie, the bisexual, blood-obsessed, brother-kissing Illustrated Woman who could badly use a sandwich, and Brad Pitt, the Angelina-obsessed hunk who could badly use a shave.
Brad and Angie set out to create a village, and they did - ignoring homegrown orphans to accumulate an international brood. "I think we'll crap out somewhere between seven and nine children," Brad told Charlie Rose.
In the celebutard field, there exists stiff competition for the title Dumbest Woman Alive. On her Web site, Babs mixed up "Iran" and "Irag" - as she spelled it. At Madison Square Garden she dressed down a heckler with the words, "Shut the f - - - up!" For all this and more, she wins the title.
I used to believe in Bruce Springsteen. I also used to believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Hanukkah Harry. Bruce's song "41 Shots" condemned the tragic, but mistaken, shooting of African immigrant Amadou Diallo by cops. "I consider it an outrage that he would be trying to fatten his wallet by reopening the wounds of this tragic case," said Patrolmen's Benevolent Association president Patrick Lynch.
It may appear problematic to include Gore with celebutards such as Paris Hilton. Gore served as vice president. Paris served time. But each won fame, fortune and the best restaurant tables due to his fawning entrée into Hollywood.
As Gore's movie, "An Inconvenient Truth" - an exaggerated global-warming fantasy masquerading as a documentary - won an Oscar, realize that one should do as Gore says, not as he does. Gore's Nashville estate was drinking electricity and natural gas at a rate 20 times the national average.
The most powerful woman in America was not born rich or royal. Host of the highest rated daytime talk show in TV history, Oprah wields the power to move merchandise and elect presidents. To make life worth living. She is Oprah. She is our queen.
Oprah has called this her "crash" moment - when she suffered unspeakable racism. It came when Oprah was denied entry, 15 minutes past closing time, at the Hermes boutique in Paris, where signature Birkin bags start at $6,000. "Do you know who I am?" Oprah barked. The store apologized. It won't discriminate against Oprah again.
What People are Saying about Celebutards
Just a great big THANK YOU!! Finally, someone has put into words what I was thinking but could not articulate myself! Self-important, ego-inflating, condescending, & a bunch-more-I-can't-think-of-right-now traits that just fuel the fire of celebutards. In an age when they're tripping all over themselves to prove who is more "green", I wish I could tell them that my family & I have been recycling every day since the first Earth Day in '69, even thought it wasn't required & Mom had to haul this stuff to a central county recycling facility about 10 miles away. Think Leo Decaprio or Julia Roberts or Matt Damon recycled anything beyond about 10 years ago? Doubt it! I'd be really surprised. Just venting. Thanks again, & I can't wait to loan the book to my sister! One more thing. Elections have always gone in cycles. Always have, always will. Republicans, Democrats, & back again. This was bound to happen. It had absolutely nothing to do with celebrity endorsements. People who voted for Obama were going to vote for him anyway, no matter what their favorite actor/singer/talking head/other celebutard was spouting. But unfortunately their chests are puffed out with the air of victory so let them have their little moment. For now.
Maria - February 14, 2009
I loved reading you for years while living in Connecticut. With your brisk, articulate style you were often a champion of those who typically would never get a voice. I enjoy your new book, too.
Rob - February 14, 2009