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By Andrea Peyser
September 23, 2016
Honey — we forgot the kids!
As the two-headed mutant known as Brangelina indulges its selfish needs, Hollywood-style, by cleaving into two distinct organisms, a trail of human roadkill is left behind. By filing for divorce from hunky hubby Brad Pitt, 52, citing “irreconcilable differences,’’ Angelina Jolie, 41, has sentenced their large brood of small humans to a probable future of being shuttled from one parent to the other.
It’s the cruelest fate I can imagine for a pet, let alone children likely to blame themselves for their parents’ flouting of the vow to remain together until death.
That vow held for a mere two years — until Angie discovered Brad’s possible faithlessness, born of a monster midlife crisis. So it’s buh-bye, Brad.
Hello, every-other-weekends, alternate holidays and summer vacations.
If Angie has her way and wins primary physical custody of the entire Brangie Bunch (she’s asking for no money or marital assets), with Brad getting visitation rights, he will become an interloper in his broken children’s lives. An alien.
He reportedly plans to seek joint custody.
This tawdry marital drama has already gotten down and dirty. Brad on Thursday was forced to deny reports that he screamed at and hit his kids while “wasted’’ on a private jet on Sept. 14 — admitting he yelled at one of them.
“Angelina is putting out [the abuse] story to take the kids away from him,’’ a source close to Brad told The Post’s Page Six.
All this proves that the former Golden Couple — each member too beautiful, too rich, too dazzling to be considered mere mortals — has been revealed to be made of fool’s gold. Me! Me! Me!
These self-involved, self-styled humanitarians work to save children the world over but show insufficient concern for the welfare of youngsters who have lived under their roof. Make that roofs.
If this duo can’t get their respective acts together and weather what may be just a rough patch — OK, a land mine — for the sake of their kids, then who can?
Numerous studies have shown that children who grow up in fatherless households are more likely than those from two-parent homes to become poor, drop out of school or get in trouble with the law. Or, in the case of girls, to get pregnant as teens.
Being raised by mega-wealthy or famous divorced folks doesn’t necessarily shield kids from calamity. (Drug-dealing ex-con Cameron Douglas, anyone?)
When Brad met Angie on the set of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith’’ in 2004, he was a married, childless pretty-boy movie star raised in Middle America, and she a Los Angeles wild child.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie with their children: Zahara, Knox, Maddox, Shiloh, Pax and Vivienne. Photo: Startraks
She’d notched two starter marriages on her belt — Angie and second hub Billy Bob Thornton wore vials containing each other’s blood around their necks; she famously married her first hub, Jonny Lee Miller, while wearing a white T-shirt with his name scrawled in her blood on the back.
With lavish tramp stamps tattooed into her skin, and a reputation as a bisexual former heroin junkie and cocaine abuser who once teased that she’d engaged in an incestuous relationship with her own brother, Brad was hopelessly head-over-heels.
He ended his relatively conventional marriage to Jennifer Aniston in 2005, which he later confessed, with a hint of longing, was pretty much a bore. Be careful what you wish for, dude.
Brad insists he still loves his wife, was “blindsided’’ by the divorce filing and is stunned that Team Angie has spread stories that he’s a pothead and excessive boozer with anger issues.
I wonder if Brad felt neglected or overshadowed by his fabulous spouse? I’m no shrink, marriage counselor or expert on celebrity egos, but I don’t give a rat’s rump about the adults in this epic bust-up.
They’ll be fine.
It’s time for Brangelina to pay attention to the young ones. They will suffer.